


The Sportacus Problem

by Fríálfurinn (DangerousCommieSubversive)



Category: LazyTown
Genre: Awkward Crush, Blind Date, Forgery, Gen, M/M, and they have neither tact nor morals, is there a special tag for when the people setting you up are children?, is there a tag for getting set up with someone?, sort of blind dates i suppose, the point is children are demons of romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-10 16:01:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8923453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangerousCommieSubversive/pseuds/Fr%C3%AD%C3%A1lfurinn
Summary: Stephanie Meanswell has a crush on Sportacus, and that is unacceptable. It's slightly better when she realizes that almost everyone else in town also has a crush on him, but it's still a problem that needs solving, because she has more important things to be doing than drawing pictures of him with hearts all over. When a solution unexpectedly presents itself, she's a little startled, but she's not just going to ignore a good opportunity.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This story is built around a little snippet that I wrote for Nico, in which Sportacus and Robbie are both unexpectedly horrified by something that the kids can't quite figure out. It got way sillier, which is impressive, because the initial ficlet was already pretty silly.

Stephanie Meanswell has a crush on Sportacus.

She realizes this one afternoon as she’s writing in her diary. She’s drawn a picture of what it would look like if she and Sportacus got married (it would be a sports-themed wedding, with a cake shaped like a soccer field but made of fruit and baseballs for party favors), and she’s in the middle of deciding whether or not she’d want to have a matching superhero costume when she realizes what she’s doing.

She stares down at the open pages of her diary and actually says, _“Ew,”_ out loud. But the drawing keeps being there, with the soccer-field cake and the long pink dress and Robbie sitting with the boys looking annoyed. The notes on the other page keep being there too.

With more pressure than is probably necessary, she crosses out her notes, and writes “SPORTACUS IS NOT FOR MARRYING!” in large letters across the bottom of the page. Then she underlines that, and adds a few more exclamation points, just to make it very clear.

Then she thinks about how good she’s gotten at hitting home runs, and how maybe she’ll show Sportacus tomorrow and he’ll think it’s really cool, and her heart does a backflip in her chest. It’s terrible. She hates it. She draws a picture of Sportacus with hearts around it and then immediately crosses it out because this isn’t happening, she doesn’t get _crushes._ Crushes are gross and they make people stupid. She’s seen how her uncle gets around Ms. Busybody, and she _likes_ Ms. Busybody. But being around her makes Uncle Milford act _dumb._

Also Sportacus is way too old for her. She’s only nine! He’s at _least_ twenty!

She sighs, frustrated, and draws another picture of Sportacus, with more hearts than the first one. She doesn’t cross it out, but she’s very annoyed with herself.

* * *

 

Trixie, she realizes a few days later, also has a crush on Sportacus. She’s been getting _extra_ annoying lately whenever he’s around—enough that Stephanie actually _says_ she’s annoying, and then she and Trixie get in a fight. Once they’ve made up again, they’re talking about what they’ll do tomorrow, and Stephanie mentions Sportacus, and Trixie blushes.

Pixel _also_ has a crush on Sportacus. That takes Stephanie a little longer to notice, but he keeps making more and more complicated machines to show off, and whenever Sportacus says they’re good he gets really shy.

Stingy lets Sportacus hold Piggy once. So that’s just _obvious._

Ziggy doesn’t have a crush on Sportacus, but he’s six. The only thing he really loves is candy. Ms. Busybody and Uncle Milford don’t have crushes on Sportacus either, but that’s because they’re too busy having crushes on each other.

That’s still four people, and that’s a lot of people to all have crushes on one person, and from everything Stephanie’s learned from movies and watching her uncle and Ms. Busybody, that’s just going to lead to fighting.

Clearly, Sportacus is very dangerous and has magic powers that he hasn’t told them about. She doesn’t want him to _leave,_ of course, because then he wouldn’t be _around_ anymore, but something definitely has to be done.

* * *

 

Stingy’s been following Robbie Rotten in his car for almost two hours. Robbie’s not actually doing anything _bad,_ but that’s _interesting_ for him, and plus apart from the villain thing he’s kind of cool. Sometimes when he wants things he just takes them! Like they’re his! Not that they’re _ever_ his, they clearly always belong to Stingy, but it’s still very inspirational.

Anyway, Robbie is mostly grocery shopping, and he’s bought a _lot_ of cake mixes and candies, and he’s told Stingy to go away five times already, and Stingy is having an excellent day.

“Scram,” he says for the sixth time as they pass the baseball diamond. “Go away, kid, why are you following me anyway? I’m not doing anything. And I’m not giving you any candy.”

“I don’t want any candy,” said with extra emphasis, because he does very _much_ want some candy, but if he makes Robbie _too_ mad then he won’t be able to keep following him. “And I’m _not_ following you. We’re just going in the same direction.”

“Nasty little fibber.” Robbie looks vaguely pleased. “Go in a _different_ direction. Make like a tree and leave. Shoo. Don’t you have some kind of…eeuch… _games_ to play with your awful little friends?”

Stingy lifts his nose haughtily and sniffs. “They’re all playing baseball with Sportacus and _I_ didn’t _feel_ like it.”

“Well, why didn’t you? It’d get you out of my hair.”

“I don’t do _everything_ with them. I have my _own_ hobbies. _Lots_ of them. Like driving. Which is what I’m doing now, and it has nothing to do with _you._ What are _you_ doing, anyway?”

No answer.

Stingy wrinkles his nose. “What _are_ you doing? Hm?”

Still no answer. Robbie isn’t even _looking_ at him. He’s staring over at the baseball diamond, where Sportacus has hit a home run and is doing flips from base to base instead of running. At every base he stops and does five jumping splits in a row, and the other kids are laughing and clapping and cheering.

Robbie is just watching Sportacus. He looks very upset about something, and he’s gone all red in the face like he’s going to start yelling.

Irritably, Stingy says, “You can’t just _ignore_ me.”

Robbie jumps with such violence that things spill out of one of his grocery bags and whirls back around. “I _certainly_ can. And what’s more I’m going to. Good-bye, nasty child.” And he rockets off, arms full of grocery bags, moving much faster than Stingy’s car can actually go.

Stingy stares after him, confused. “That was _very_ strange.” Still puzzled, he leans down from his car and picked up the chocolate bar that fell out of Robbie’s groceries. “Anyway, if _he_ doesn’t want this then I’m _pretty_ sure it’s mine.”

* * *

 

“And he just _left!_ ” he says to Stephanie as they’re working on math homework together. “Just ran off!”

“That’s weird.” Stephanie’s not paying a lot of attention to his story; she’s been having trouble with long division, and keeps staring down at her exercise sheet like she wants to fight it. “Robbie never runs anywhere, he _hates_ running.”

“No, see, you write that part up there…he must have been _really_ mad at Sportacus, his face was _very_ red.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, Sportacus wasn’t even _doing_ anything. Except flips, I guess, but he always does those. And Robbie wasn’t trying to sleep or _anything,_ he was just grocery shopping.”

They’re quiet for a few minutes, trying to go through their exercises as quickly as possible so they can go do something, _anything_ else, when Stephanie suddenly sits bolt upright and says, loudly, “ _No._ Not him _too._ ”

* * *

 

The next day there’s a big mess with a game that goes wrong and a machine for inflating basketballs and Robbie Rotten wearing a surprisingly convincing fake mustache and derby hat. Which…isn’t anything unusual for Lazy Town, really. They call Sportacus, the day is saved, the dancing is done, and Stephanie’s about to suggest another game of basketball when her stomach lets out a noisy rumble.

Clearly the solution to _that_ is, “We should go have lunch! We can go to my house and make sandwiches!” _Maybe Sportacus will come with us and I can make him a sandwich he really likes and—no._

Shouts of agreement from all around, from everyone else on the court—

\--except for Sportacus. Which is _weird._ He’s _always_ excited to talk to them about food things. Mostly about sports candy.

“Sportacus?” she says. “Do you want to come make sandwiches with us?”

Sportacus doesn’t answer. He has his hand over his mouth, as if he’s worried, and he’s staring off across the grass. She tries to see what he’s looking at, but his crystal isn’t blinking at _all,_ so it can’t be someone in danger. The only person over there is Robbie Rotten, still draped over the wall with his striped rear in the air as he strains to get the book he’d had out of a crack between the stones. (It’s labeled _Malicious Makeup and Dastardly Disguises for the Talented Tailor_ , and it’s stuck in a crack because she put it there.) He’s mumbling irritably to himself, probably saying all _sorts_ of bad words, and not doing anything dangerous at all.

“Sportacus?” she says again, tugging on the hem of his vest.

Sportacus jumps a little—not his normal jumping, startled jumping—and takes his hand away from his mouth. “Yes, Stephanie?”

“Do…you…want to come have lunch at my house? We’re all going to make sandwiches.”

“That’s _very_ sweet of you, Stephanie, I would love to.” He’s smiling, but it looks a little…weird. “But I, ah, I’ve done a lot of saving people today and I need to go back to my airship and.  And take a shower.”

She frowns. “A shower? But it’s the middle of the day!”

“Yes, but good hygiene is very important.” He sounds _nervous._ “Showering regularly is good for your health. Especially with very cold water. Good for your skin. Eat healthy, I’ll see you kids tomorrow. Ladder!”

And…he’s gone.

Stephanie stares up after him, puzzled. “That was _really_ weird.”

* * *

 

“And he just _left!_ ” she says, after she’s swallowed her mouthful of sandwich.

“That’s weird,” says Pixel, whose mouth is _still_ full. “He doesn’t normally just disappear like that.”

“Why was he staring at _Robbie?_ ” Stingy’s cut his sandwich into neat little squares and is eating them with a knife and fork. Stephanie’s never met anyone else who eats their sandwiches with utensils, but it’s definitely interesting to watch.

“I don’t _know!_ ”

Ziggy’s forehead wrinkles, as if in deep concentration. “Maybe he was worried that Robbie would fall, huh? Robbie falls over a _lot._ ”

Stephanie thought about that. “I guess he did kinda _look_ worried. But Robbie didn’t look like he was going to fall, he just looked normal. I mean he looked _weird,_ but just normal Robbie weird, not different weird.”

“ _I_ think Robbie’s sort of cool.” Trixie made two sandwiches, and then used _them_ to make a _third_ sandwich. It doesn’t look like it should be able to fit into her mouth at all, but somehow she’s managing. “At least when he’s not trying to get rid of Sportacus. He builds a lot of cool machines.”

There’s a general murmur around the kitchen table as the rest of them agree while trying not to sound too enthusiastic about anything Robbie Rotten. There’s a careful balance to maintain: Robbie’s _great,_ but only if everyone pretends that he’s the _worst._

Of course there are exceptions, but you have to watch closely for them.

* * *

 

After lunch Stephanie goes to check on the garden she’s started, still wondering about why Sportacus ran off so quickly, and then stops dead in the middle of the path and says, _“No.”_

* * *

 

She lies in bed that night, sleepless, trying to figure out whether she’s upset because Robbie Rotten has a crush on Sportacus, or because Sportacus has a crush on Robbie Rotten. There’s also a third option, which is that maybe she’s really happy because if Sportacus is dating someone then _she_ can stop having a crush on him and go back to thinking about _sensible_ things, like baseball and building new additions for the treehouse.

Frustrated, she rolls over and sees the drawing of Sportacus she did while she was having breakfast. She managed not to put hearts on it, but only because she also drew herself, in a matching outfit, holding his hand.

The third option is probably the best one.

* * *

 

Trixie wakes up to the sound of someone knocking on her window and has to stifle laughter when she sees who it is. Luckily the frame doesn’t squeak. “Pinky! What are _you_ doing being up in the middle of the night?”

“I need your help.”

“Well, you gotta come in first, you can’t just stand on the ladder.”

Stephanie scrambles through the window and pulls it shut behind her. “Do you know what Sportacus’ handwriting looks like?”

Trixie frowns. “Yeah, obviously.”

“What about Robbie Rotten’s?”

“Uh…yeah.”

“Can you copy it?”

Trixie clapped a hand over her mouth to keep herself from giggling. “ _Pinky!_ …what’s it to you?”

Stephanie starts explaining.

* * *

 

Half an hour later she’s mostly done explaining and Trixie is red-faced. “Well, yeah, it’s _definitely_ a problem for me. What’s copying _Robbie’s_ handwriting gonna do to fix it?”

* * *

 

“The treehouse counts as neutral ground, right?”

* * *

 

The tube is made of purple cardboard from the box Trixie’s new sneakers came in. It’s not really the right shade of purple, but it’s close enough, and even with the amount of tape they have to use, it still fits in the launcher.

* * *

 

The paper airplane _is_ the right shade of blue. It’s not folded very neatly, but it looks right from a distance, and it’s going to get unfolded anyway. Hopefully Robbie won’t just throw it away.

* * *

 

And then Trixie and Stephanie have to wait through the whole day to see if it worked. It’s awful. Concentrating in school has _never_ been this hard.

* * *

 

Sportacus comes down from the airship not long before dinnertime. He says hello, of course, and shoots a few hoops with them, but he seems distracted, and keeps glancing over towards the treehouse like he’s expecting something to happen. Pixel keeps asking him if something’s going on, and Trixie and Stephanie just glance at each other, suppressing laughter.

Just as they start to hear the voices of adults calling them all in for dinner, Stephanie sees Robbie Rotten creep out from behind the park wall and climb up the ladder into the treehouse. Sportacus’ head whips around like he’s a cat spotting the flicker of a nearby mouse.

“Good night, kids,” he says absently as they disperse to their various houses, ruffling Ziggy’s hair like it’s an afterthought. “I’m, ah, I’m sure I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Stephanie keeps an eye out behind her as she hurries towards her uncle’s voice.

He goes towards the treehouse.

She grins.

 

* * *

 

The next day, around mid-morning, Sportacus arrives just in time to keep Stingy from driving his car directly into an open manhole, and there’s a large pink mark on the side of his neck.

Stingy frowns at him. “Are you ok, Sportacus? It looks like you have a bug bite.”

Sportacus looks like a deer in the headlights for a moment before breaking into a smile. “Bees. There was a beehive about to fall out of a tree across town.”

“Why were you saving _bees?_ ”

“Bees are very important, Stingy. They’re part of what makes sports candy grow.”

Stingy nods, thoughtfully, and then says, “Did the bees also steal your goggles?”

Sportacus’ hand flies to the top of his head. “Ah…”

Across the park, Ziggy says (shouts, he’s not really good at quiet), “Robbie Rotten! Why were you in Sportacus’ airship, huh?” and Robbie’s irritated response is drowned out by the sound of Trixie letting out a shriek of laughter.

 

* * *

 

That afternoon Stephanie rips all the drawings with hearts or hand-holding in them out of her diary. She doesn’t throw them away, because they’re good, she’s proud of them, but she doesn’t want them _right there_. Uncle Milford gave her a portfolio for her art last birthday; they get tucked into that, in the pocket at the very back.

Then, since her diary now looks very empty with those missing pages, she draws a picture of Sportacus and Robbie getting married instead. This wedding has _two_ cakes, because it’s _Robbie._

**Author's Note:**

> Of course they didn't get busy in the treehouse. The _children_ play there. (Also I'm pretty sure Robbie is taller than the treehouse is long.)
> 
> They went to the airship.
> 
> Share and enjoy, and please comment if you liked the story. ^_^


End file.
